7 years a go, in 2008, my mother passed away.
That was a complicated story on how she passed away. No doctor knew exactly what disease it was, they thought it was blood cancer; some said because she got some voodoo/black magic disease on her; some said she’s been pushing herself to work so hard; some also said she’s been holding too much thoughts and emotions that stuck in her physical body; or it might be combination of all of that.
Anyhow, she passed away and it left a big hollow in my heart.
Even though at that time it was one of the worst thing happened in my life, 7 years later, in the present moment, I’m really grateful that she left me.
I was a spoiled little brat.
If you think you know me now, I was a total different person when she was still alive. I was selfish, ignorant, spoiled, debater, slacker, in summary, you wouldn’t love me :)
Loosing her has forced me to review everything that I’ve done in my life. Why is this happened to me? Is there something that I’ve done wrong, that made me experience this bitterness of life?
Well, yes. Many. I’ve got many aspects in me that need to be improved and evolved. And not only that, one of the most difficult parts is to forgive myself that yes, I’ve done something wrong.
Accepting that I’m just a normal human being that has my own flaws seems so much easier to be said, but not done.
But there are one character, one, that took me many years for me to change and improve, as well as for me to forgive it.
And that is to express my love to the people that matters to me.
Growing up in a common Indonesian society, there are many norms that need to be obeyed. It seems very rigid most of the time because there’s formality on it. The young need to bow to the old. The older is always right and you need to listen and follow what they said.
Therefore parents-children relationship is a tricky one: it’s really difficult to have a close friend relationship in it.
With the expectation that parents is always right, and children always made mistake (which in some degree can be true too), as a children I felt that I couldn’t tell the whole story of my situation, even though I need advice from them. I was afraid that I’d be judged as wrong, so I often kept many things for myself.
For years I didn’t forgive myself that I didn’t give and show enough love to my mother. For years I cried during the night because every time I dreamt about my mother, I felt so guilty because I didn’t tell her enough that I love her so much. For years I couldn’t rest and be fully happy because I couldn’t turned back time and wished that I could tell her for the last time that I love her so much.
I’ve been dragging this guilt and grieve for so many years, and it was a challenge for me to be truly happy, and wholesomely healthy.
Until one day, I realized that this is another test that if I don’t pass this, it will come back again, and again, and again, until I learnt the message and lesson from it.
From that realization, I promised myself that I wouldn’t hesitate to express my love to anyone that matters to me.
I promised myself that I would always try to see and embrace the good and positive side from people around me.
I also promise myself that I would always express my love and compassion to everyone that matters to me, that close to my heart dearly, that I love wholeheartedly.
Although I also wish that I don’t show too much excitement on sharing my love with the world, as the effect of the polar opposite.
So, have you show express your love today? Don’t wait, before it’s too late :)
With so so so much love,