I might be able to speak English fluently, yet I didn’t know what 'self-esteem' really mean until several days a go.
If you’re following my instagram account, I mentioned quite a few times about the topic of comparing my ‘journey' and accomplishment with other people, and the feeling that I’m not ‘there’ yet.
I notice that this thought came up more often to my mind for the last couple years. Actually, it’s not difficult to feel that I’m not ‘there yet’ when I’m surrounded by all these great people.
Feeling Unworthy Is Easy.
In the healing work side, I met many international healers that has years and years of healing experiences; many of my friends in Indonesia has an ongoing business/project; my father in law is a very successful life/business coach who is also a best selling author; my mother in law & her partner has been practicing hands on healing modalities for more than 20 years and they own this luxe organic bnb; my husband’s god-mother is the founder of Mukti Organics, a luxury beauty product range; and talking about husband, I’m marrying a 34 y.o. husband who is certified in more than 11 types of bodywork (and now creating his own bodywork & yoga school), a yoga teacher, a naturopath & ayurvedic practitioner, an astrologer, a very knowledgeable man (I called him ‘walking encyclopaedia lol), and most importantly, his bargaining skill is even better than me lol.
Kimmana & I.
This great people list that surrounds my life is keep on going...
Yet here I am, a 25 y.o. girl who has constantly travelling and haven’t even revised my bachelor thesis yet!
In one side, yes I do feel grateful that I’ve been surrounded by these inspiring people that motivates me. In the other hand, I can’t lie that it make me feel that I’m not ‘there’ yet, that I haven’t accomplished the goal/destination that I wanted. I often compare myself that I’m not as good as these people, which lead me to being so hard on my self and not giving enough appreciation for all the things that I’ve been doing.
This actually reminds me on the ‘Traveling’ card that I once pulled from Osho Zen Tarot deck. Here’s what it said:
“Life is a continuity always and always. There is no final destination it is going towards. Just the pilgrimage, just the journey in itself is life, not reaching to some point, no goal - just dancing and being in pilgrimage, moving joyously, without bothering about any destination. What will you do by getting to a destination? Nobody has asked this, because everybody is trying to have some destination in life. But the implications…
If you really reach the destination of life, then what? Then you will look very embarrassed. Nowhere to go… you have reached to the final destination - and in the journey you have lost everything. You had to lose everything. So standing naked at the final destination, you will look all around like an idiot: what was the point? You were hurrying so hard, and you were worrying so hard, and this is the outcome."
I dedicate this post for myself to remind me that again, it’s not about the goal or destination. Instead, it’s each and every little process along the journey that matters.
So if you start to notice that I lost my self-esteem, I’ll be glad for you to slap me in the ass and say “Let’s get a massage and bring that positivity back!"
Load and loads of love,
Zia
